


A Place Where We Could Heal

by ObsessedWithTVShows



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Actually Rey and Ben Need a Hug, Ben Thinks He Deserves Jail, Ben and Rey Have Still Have Issues With Each Other, Ben and Rey On Earth, Ben has Childhood Friends, Ben is Soft Whenever it Comes to Rey, F/M, Feral Rey, Fix-It of Sorts, Maybe They Should Hug Each Other, Post TROS, Redeemed Ben Solo, Rey Needs A Hug, Reylo - Freeform, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-09
Updated: 2020-03-19
Packaged: 2021-02-27 08:07:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 15,888
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22183810
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ObsessedWithTVShows/pseuds/ObsessedWithTVShows
Summary: Takes place after the events of TROS but Ben survives. Feeling the need to heal and explore whatever they had for each other deeply, Rey decided that it is for everybody's best interest if she and Ben stay away from the aftermath of the war as possible. Unsure on what the future beholds for them and what it means to finally have each other, they decided to lay low at the farthest, most frustrating planet in the universe; earth.
Relationships: Kylo Ren/Rey, Rey/Ben Solo
Comments: 10
Kudos: 95





	1. I Know A Place

**Author's Note:**

> a rewrite of the ending from the mess of JJ abrams and chris terrio because tbh what the fuck is that. i know that Luke's X-Wing only seated for one but for the purpose of this fic, i'm going to make it looks like it seated for two. also, English is not my first language so any mistakes are mine and i'm truly sorry for it. i'm not really sure where this fic would go but i'll try to update at least once a week. i hope you guys enjoy this :)

“Come on. We have to go”, she said. Face still flustered with happiness and sweet relieved to see the man she loves in front of her eyes. She can see his tired eyes and sense his broken body struggling to keep hold of his last energy to stand up. But still, his left hand remained at the back of her neck while his right one caressed her right cheek softly as their forehead locked together and their breathing became unison as one. 

“I don’t think it’s a good idea for me to go back now. No one there wants to see me alive. I’m sure they’ll hate the idea of you walking in there with me too”. He said while struggling to find his feet up. She let him leaned on her a bit to find his ground again. When both of them were finally standing up, a small smile appeared on his face again.

“It might be hard for them to accept you. It might take some time but one day, I’m sure they will finally accept you”. She said with the utmost reassurance. The war is over and despite the losses; both of them couldn’t help but share the contentment of the resistance’s triumphs over the First Order. “Besides, I think we both need to get away from them for a while and figure out how this is going to work”, she continued.

He nodded his head and walked with her side by side towards his uncle’s X-wing. “Rey, I’ll follow you wherever you want to go. Whatever you want, just tell me”.

“We need to go a place where they will not expect we go. Somewhere far from everything. A place where we could both still blend in and not cause suspicion to the locals. Do you know any place like that?” she asked as they both lean towards the X-wing.

He looked up to see the remnants of the chaos from the war that had just ended minutes ago. Ship debris was seen floating in the sky, both from the resistance and the First Order. His mind suddenly thought of his parents and the earliest adventure they had that he could remember vividly when he was five years old. He couldn’t remember much on the reason that his parents brought him to that planet but he remembered that interesting planet well. He reminisced some of its beautiful greenery, vast blue oceans, hot windy sand and strange vehicles that only works with four tires on the ground. Flying ships were limited and he barely seen any of them during his stays over there. He remembered looking at the entire map of the planet and felt amazed by how the planet has it all. He knew Rey would have loved to see that combination of green, blue and cream all together. 

“Ben?” She asked as he was seen lost in his deep thoughts looking his way up above. He looked so young and vulnerable. She noticed his glassy eyes and the longing look that he had, the same look he gave her when they were on the elevator to see Snoke. She remembered how conflicted he felt back then, as Kylo Ren, divided between his desire of wanting power and expressing his own identity and his deep desire to let it all go and let her take him home to his mother. But now, all she can sense is Ben Solo’s clarity, comfort and compassion towards whatever lies for their future. 

“I know a place. I went there once with my parents when I was young. It has some green and ocean and some sand too in some of its places. It’s far away from this region because the locals there don’t really accept intergalactic authorisation. We could go there if you like”, he said nervously as he looked at her.

“Okay. Let’s go then. This place is falling apart and it’s only a matter of time before they’ll be able to track this ship,” she said while helping him climbed aboard the ship.

The ship was ready to take off when she asked him the name and coordinate of the planet. Despite feeling restless, she was also excited to explore this new place that she had never heard of. He gave her the specific coordinate and continued to lean on the passenger seat, finally resting his fragile bones. 

“It’s called earth and I hope that you’ll like it,” he said slowly as he closed his eyes, finally giving in to his weary battle.


	2. The Dyad Thing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2 is here and i'm going wild with this one lmao. We might know more about Ben's childhood in the next chapter but don't worry, i won't leave out Rey's. There might be hints of hers as well in Ben's. Tbh, don't know yet where this story is going because i'm just pouring out ideas here. I'm so sorry if there's any grammar or spelling mistakes because English is not my first language. Again, for the purpose of this fic, i like to imagine that x-wing can actually seat for two so yeah, bear with me. 
> 
> Hope you'll enjoy this chapter as much as i enjoy writing them :)

They landed on a grass field with wind blows vastly right through their fatigued bones. The moon and the stars strike their shining light towards the darkness of the night. Opening the cockpit glass, Rey took a deep breath and looked above to the stars. Palpatine’s words still flooded her mind. She can’t believe after finally accepting that she comes from nobody, she was told that she is the granddaughter of the dark Sith. She was right. Her parents did love her and left her at Jakku for a reason. They were murdered by her own grandfather because of her. The very same grandfather who had been whispering vile thoughts to Ben and the other dark Sith that came before him. The same grandfather who made him said that she was nothing and came from nothing. Yes, it must have been Palpatine who made him said those words. She knew he didn’t mean any of them. How could he? He was just a lost boy used as a puppet to do his master’s horrible bidding. But she couldn’t help to feel a bit of resentment towards the things that Kylo Ren made her believe about her. She wished that she had the power to overcome him back then and to not succumb to his idea about his parents. Her parents didn’t deserve the accusation and assumption that she made on her mind after Kylo Ren convinced her to. After everything that they went through to ensure her safety, she was the one who needed to have a little faith on them.

Ben was still asleep when he felt the harsh struggle on her mind. It was guilt and frustration combined together in a loud void of thoughts so distant, yet so near him. He can feel how exhausted she is right now but at the same time, content by her surroundings. The quietness of the night and the smell of the green grass made her thoughts and emotions more vulnerable to him. He loves that. Knowing little things about her like that put his state of mind at ease. He knew something is troubling her mind but he couldn’t seem to open his heavy eyes until he heard her voice talking to someone through the communicator.

“…I’m okay Fin. I just need to be alone for a while,” she said wholeheartedly.

“But why? Rey, we won. Everyone’s here and they’re asking for you. They need you Rey…I need you,” said Fin on the other end. His voice; hopeful and longing for his friend’s presence with him amongst the other resistance.

“Fin, there’s just something I need to do first. But I’ll promise you, I’ll be back. I miss you too and I’m so glad that you and Poe are alright. I’m sure you two are enough to re-build back what the resistance fought for. Leia would have been so proud of you two. But, I need to do this. For my own sake. I hope you understand,” said Rey while she worked on turning off the navigator to make sure that the resistance couldn’t track their location.

Silence came from both sides of the communicator. Rey felt a sudden agitation of the situation as she hoped that Fin wouldn’t ask her about Ben. She wasn’t ready to tell Fin or the whole world about him yet. Not until they themselves find out about each other. Ben sensed the uneasiness surrounding her and knew that he might be the cause of it. He stayed quiet at the back seat and hope that the outcome came out on her favour. At this rate, he knew whatever she wanted must be the best for both of them.

“Just stay safe Rey. Wherever you are. You’re always in our mind. Just know that when the time comes for you to come back, we’ll be here. May the force be with you,” said Fin finally at the end before disengaging the communicator.

Rey took a deep sated breath that she didn’t know she was holding. A sense of relief washed through her as she unbuckled herself from the seat and stood up. She was surprised to see Ben with both of his eyes open, looking at her attentively. For a moment, their eyes locked until she heard a voice inside her head. His voice.

 _Are you okay?_ he asked.

 _You couldn’t talk?_ she answered boldly, feeling annoyed that he needed to use force voice just to ask that.

“I just thought that you might not want to. Especially with me right now,” he said, voice as timid as he was at Snoke’s throne room when he pleaded for her to join him.

“Right now, I just want you to get out from the ship and tell me where we can find a place to sleep in this field. I don’t see any house or potential shelter to hide this ship,” she said after getting out of her seat.

When both of them hit the ground, Ben cocked his head as a sign for Rey to follow him. They walked across the field in the moonlit night together. She couldn’t help but to smile at the peaceful sight in front of her. She had her own fair share of green and starry planets based from her adventure ever since she joined the resistance but something warmed her heart about this one. They walked in silent, lost in their own thoughts as neither dared to reach each other at the moment.

They stopped in front of a huge lodge with smaller ones at each side of it. The sound of strange animals came from one of the small lodge. All of them were painted in black and white, with tall gabled roof. A red vehicle was parked just near the small lodge. It was a nice looking house that Rey had never seen in her life or at Jakku. She felt the serenity and the warmth of the house, offering comfort towards whoever was seeking them.

“Who lives here? Do you know them?” she asked Ben, eyes still locked at the sight in front of her.

“Yeah I do. They were the ones we visited when we were here. They were my father’s friends,” he said the last sentence slowly as if he didn’t want anyone to hear them. But Rey did hear him and could feel the sadness that swayed his emotions too as soon as he talked about his father. She felt the remorse and heartbreak that he felt as visible as the house in front of them.

“I have so many questions to ask you and I’m sure you do too about everything. But I think we need to rest Ben. We need to heal at least for the night,” said Rey.

“You’re right. Let’s just hope that they’re still alive,” said Ben as they marched towards the house.

The closer they get, the louder they heard the noises echoed right inside the house. The sound of music, clattering plates and voices shows that a bunch of family lives here and they’re probably enjoying each other’s company. Ben took a deep breath before knocking on the door quicker for five times and adds on two more, making the knocks to produce its musical sound. The music, the clatter and the chatter slowed down as hushing and footsteps came afterwards. The door was opened and a woman stood in front of them. The brunette took a long deep look at Ben before her face turned to ease.

“BEN FUCKING SOLO?” she yelled at him.

“Hi Genevieve,” he said face relieved at the sight of his childhood friend.


	3. It Wasn't Always Good

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Sorry for the delay in the update. My dear dear cousin passed away last week and i couldn't find any strength physically and emotionally to do anything. I'm feeling a bit better and i have Reylo to thank for tbh. But anyway, here's the third chapter. I gotta say, the only canon thing in this fic is Reylo themselves. Other things are just my wild imagination of what could have been. Also, tbh i haven't watched Solo but i love the idea of having Qi'ra in this fic and would like to think that maybe she and Han did reconciled later. I hope you guys enjoy reading this as much as i enjoy writing it and thank you so much for taking the time to read!

“Oh my god. I can’t believe it. It’s really you. Look at you. I mean, look at both of us. We’ve all grown,” she said while hugging Ben and holding his face with both of her hands.

Ben’s face broke into a tiny smile over the recognition. He hadn’t seen this woman ever since he was off for Jedi training. A sense of familiarity in a foreign land surged within his self as the woman invited them both inside the house. It wasn’t for mere seconds inside the beautiful house that he was met with few different warm embrace that he hadn’t felt for a very long time. All of them were welcoming and emotional as he accepted them willingly after years of social depravity that he had to endure serving his dark masters and the first order. Ben looked at every faces of people that embraced him that night, all who sincerely held him and appreciate him just being presence within their lives. He noticed all of Genevieve’s siblings were there but he couldn’t see their parents anywhere.

“Where’s Qi’ra?”

Silence crept suddenly within the home as her name was mentioned. Ben eyed the four siblings before locking his at Genevieve’s who apparently was playing with a golden necklace perfectly placed around her neck. “Genevieve?” he asked her directly this time. But it wasn’t her who broke the silence of the night.

“She passed Ben. Three years ago. She was unwell for a long time and it finally bested her,” said a man sitting on one of the brown armchair.

Ben didn’t say a word as flashes of memory came through his mind of his much younger days at this home. A memory of him and the siblings running around the field chasing each other, of them kicking a ball passing it to one another and even playing house where Ben will always acted as Genevieve’s husband and the siblings, Noah, Thomas and Abbey as their children even though Noah and Genevieve are basically twins. But his most favourite moment that he remembered during his visit was when Qi’ra introduced him to the art of calligraphy. She taught him everything he wanted to know about it. He loved seeing her crafting the curves and the quirky lines around the alphabet. He wasn’t always a good student and there were times that he wanted to give up on it but she was very patient in handling his sudden tantrum. She praised his flaws while crafting the words while also correcting him respectfully. When he seemed to grasp the talent well, she even gifted him with a special pen that’s best worked for calligraphy. He loved it. He loved every single moment that he spent with her as much as he loved playing with her children. He was so engulfed in the memories that he didn’t notice the tears that fall from the corner of his eyes. Suddenly, a warm fuzzy feeling crept into his heart and soothed his mind. He felt an appeased sentiment washed away the sadness that was present in his self.

_Ben?_

Rey’s voice came to him like a wave of comfort and ease. The feeling that he never expected he needed tonight. He can sense her touch even though he knew she was unmoved from her spot. He felt her deep sympathy towards him of losing another person that he cared about. He sensed her offer of support and security inside his mind without even the need to showcase it physically. He took a deep relieved and turned towards her. Giving her a slight smile along the heavy tears, he faced the siblings again who right now looked at them quizzically by the sudden connection that only they could understand. It was as if both of them were each other’s secrets.

“This is Rey. She’s my…” he stopped. _Friend? Former enemy? Saviour? Lover?_ He said loudly in his mind. He didn’t know what they are. If they weren’t trying to kill each other, hunt each other down across the galaxies or driving each other crazy with this force bond thing, they were kissing in a dark Sith’s temple or feeling annoyed at each other’s presence in such a strange planet.

Rey sensed his confusion and looked at Genevieve’s face as she eyed her suspiciously. “Friend,” she said at last. “We had some trouble in our planet and we didn’t know where else to go at the moment. So, Ben said that this place is safe for us to lay low.” She stopped before continuing, “For a while.”

“I’m Genevieve. This is my twin brother, Noah and those two are our little brother and Sister Tommy and Abbey. Well, any friend of Ben is a friend of ours. You’re very welcome here, Rey.

“Ben, there are so many things that we need to catch up on. But, I know that you’re both tired from whatever you went through. So, I think you should get some rest. Could you two please show our guess to their room?” said Noah to Thomas and Abbey.

The two nodded their head before gesturing their head to Ben and Rey to follow them. Before exiting the living area, Noah placed a hand on Ben’s shoulder before giving him one more embrace and nodding his head at Rey. They followed Thomas and Abbey to the stairs and was met with a hallway with doors on each sides of the wall. A picture of Qi’ra and a man with four children in a sleek golden frame was placed at the end of the hallway, just above a wooden accent cabinet.

“Do you prefer a co-habit bedroom or a separate one?” asked Abbey. Her long golden hair flowed freely, matched with her sunny dress.

“Uhm, separate,” said Rey quickly. She was taken aback by the question as none were asked about it before to her. In the resistance base and Jakku, she would usually sleep alone in her own chamber. She had never shared one with anybody before. Surely, she wouldn’t share it now with a man. Who was also the former supreme leader of the First Order in which she has a connection with. Emotionally and physically.

“Uh-huh. Okay then. Well, Tommy can show Rey a room where she’ll be staying. Ben, in here.”

“This is Noah’s room. It doesn’t look like his anymore.”

“Well a lot changes happened since the last time you were here. He didn’t even sleep in this room anymore. He upgraded himself to mom and dad’s room. Anyway, the bathroom remains the same at the end of the hallway. There’s an extra towel, toothbrush and other things in the drawer. You can find whatever you need there. If they’re not there, then just knock on one of our doors.”

“Thanks Abbey,” said Ben looking at the bed in front of him longingly. He felt like he hadn’t had any proper sleep for years. He didn’t care much about food at this time but his body was screaming for him to lie down on the comfortable bed immediately.

“You’re welcome. Ben?” asked Abbey. He turned to her as she gave him a tender smile before continuing. “I’m really glad you’re okay,” and exit the room.

***

They were both settling down on their bed when she felt a sudden tugged on her brain. She can sense him trying to connect with her through the force. It sounded silly for them to do so seeing the fact that they were only few doors away. But, she knew he wanted to give her her own space. And if the force is the only way he could make sure she was okay, then that’ll do for the night. She couldn’t help but to feel the fabric on her body. The clothing on this planet felt far more comfy than what she had on Jakku or the resistance base. Even the bed and the pillows felt so soft. She knew she had a tough time waking up the next day seeing how her head melt down on the pillows. She was about to close her eyes when she sensed him once again.

_Rey, are you asleep?_

_No. Why aren’t you?_

_I just want to make sure you’re okay._

_I’m fine._

_Okay._

There were both quiet now but can still feel each other closer in the radius. She was the one who broke the silence first.

_I’m sorry about her. That was a lovely memory you share. She looked lovely too._

_She was my father’s old friend and my godmother. I loved her like my own._

_You seemed very close to them. Especially Genevieve._

_Yes, mom and dad always brought me here. We were playmates._

Rey suddenly felt a pang of sadness within her. She was surrounded by Ben’s old friends in their home. Ben actually had some friends who seemed to care for him. Plus, a godmother who cherished him well. She didn’t have anybody. Her parents were taken from her and she grew up without any friends as the days in Jakku were filled with acquiring skills for survival. In fact, she had to fight with other children for a better portion of food for herself. She didn’t have a community that cared for her or encouraged her to pursue the things that she’s passionate about. She knew Ben can sense her feel of sorrow right now because she also felt similar unease and soothing sensation in her mind as if he was trying to take that pain away from her.

_Do you want to talk about it?_

_No._

_It’s not all good you know. There were lots of bad things too between me and them._

_But at least you can still cherish the good ones. I didn’t even have any good ones._

_Rey, I’m sorry._

_Don’t be. It’s not your fault Ben. It’s Palpatine’s._

She felt the guilt inside his heart as his mind wondered around his time when he was still Kylo Ren. She can see the image of his dead father pierced on his head. That horrible moment was playing all over again as he silently mourn for all the lives lost caused by his awful past decisions. She channeled her assurance of forgiveness and hope and radiated it towards him, trying to appease the pain he felt in his mind the way he did just now. He appeared calmer and relieve afterwards.

_Did you mean it?_

_Mean what?_

_That you are my friend?_

She thought long and hard upon his question. She honestly didn’t know what they are at the moment. There are so many things that they need to talk about and things to be explored between them. The war might be over but the relapses remained and what they are together was one of the many things that came after the war.

_Friends don’t kiss each other on the lips Ben._


	4. The Breakfast Talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Back at it again! My writing is not flawless so i apologise for any mistakes. Hope you guys will enjoy this chapter and see you next week :)

When Rey came downstairs the next morning, she saw that Ben had gotten back his dynamic with the siblings. He was wearing a grey sweater with dark pants that fits him perfectly in every corner of his body. Grey looks good on him and it made Rey wonder what doesn’t look good on Ben Solo? He was leaning at the counter while projecting a huge grin like the way he did when they were at Exogol. After the unspoken kiss that they shared. One of the twins was making a joke about something while the rest laughed alongside him. The image in front of her was very unfamiliar but yet so pleasant and unexpected. Who would have thought that one day, she would see Kylo Ren in grey sweater with a cup of coffee at hand. He fits in perfectly with the siblings that Rey felt like she was an intruder there. None of them noticed her presence at the edge of the stairs except for him. Ben looked straight at her with poise and composure, seeing how different she looked with her long hair down and dark blue sweater but yet so beautiful. He made a mental note on his mind to tell Rey that she could have any colour or choice of clothing that she wanted in this planet. He gave her a soft smile and nodded his head at her to approach them.

“Good morning Rey. Sleep well?” asked Genevieve while gesturing her to sit down at the long table. Breakfast food was laid out in front of them and it made Rey’s tummy grumbled. She didn’t remember the last time she had a proper meal. Probably before Exogol? Or even Paasana? It didn’t matter now because whatever’s in front of her looked so good that she couldn’t even looked away from the table.

“Yes, I did actually. Thank you again for accepting us without any notice.”

“We meant what we said last night. Any friend of Ben’s is a friend of ours. Well, come on everyone. Dig in. Just to be clear, this grand breakfast is a one-time thing. Tomorrow, we’re back to cereal or eggs,” said Noah.

“It’s fine. I still survive even after years of not eating any food that you cook. I’m sure the others would be too,” Ben said with a slight chuckled in his tone.

“You might not now Solo after you tasted my signature breakfast. People actually paid me a lot for these.”

“Because you work as a cook so of course people paid you. If they don’t, they’ll get arrested. The real question is how many customers actually came back after tasting your cooking?” said Abbey jokingly.

The whole table laughed now as Rey observed their cheery dynamic and brought her eyes down to her hands. She did that a lot of time when she felt a bit uncomfortable in a social situation. It somehow helped her cope from being totally awkward amongst people that she didn’t know. Years of living alone in Jakku still clouded her few years of experience living amongst the community of resistance. She was still struggling around new people. While everyone else was filling up their plate with different kinds of dishes and bantering with each other, she felt a tugged in her mind. When she looked up she saw Ben was looking at her worryingly. He must have felt her uneasiness at the table.

_Rey?_

_Sorry. I’m just not used to this just yet._

_It’s okay. Here, take this._

Ben held out a plate full of different kinds of food to Rey. He can sense her anxiety of being around the siblings. Hence why, he took the initiative to help her with the food. He didn’t know what she usually have for breakfast so he decided that maybe he should filled up her whole plate with everything and she can choose from there. He wanted to make sure that she is always welcome here but in the meantime, he also wanted to give her some time to settle in properly. Ben felt like he was a child again when he’s here. Somehow, everything felt so familiar and easy for him. His years of solitary and social depravation from people who truly cared for him did not stop the satisfaction and enjoyment that he felt whenever the siblings are around. They didn’t say a word when he passed the full plate to Rey but he noticed their eyes lingered with each other as if they have their own secret eye language to acknowledge the scene that just happened. Genevieve was quiet for a while but Ben knew that of all the people at the table who have the most questions, it would be her. He hoped that she didn’t address them at the moment though, but she did.

“So, what happen up there? You disappeared for 20 years and suddenly you’re back, needing shelter.”

The chatter slowed down as the siblings looked at each other and then at Ben and Rey. None said anything and Rey can see that Ben had stopped eating as his eyes were averted outside to the window. She can feel his hesitation to speak as memories from the war flooded back inside his mind, tainting the serenity that took place there few seconds ago.

“There was a war. But we ended it,” answered Rey.

“You’re a soldier?”

“I’m…I have the same ability like Ben.”

“A Jedi then? I heard you guys are very limited these days.”

“You knew what a Jedi is?”

“Of course. My mother was from up there. She would tell us stories about her homeland and that includes the myth as well. I never believed it until I witnessed what Ben could do years ago.”

Ben stayed still in his own thoughts. Rey tried to communicate with him but he shut himself off from the force. But that didn’t mean she couldn’t understand how he is feeling at the moment. His solemn face is back and she could see a trace of conflicted Ben Solo again. The siblings must have no idea about Kylo Ren or what happened to Han Solo. She tried reaching to him using the force again and this time, she felt the welcoming presence from his mind.

_We didn’t have to tell them Ben._

_Maybe we should. You should._

_If you think it would hurt them or yourself even more, maybe it’s best if we only tell them things that they want to hear._

_I don’t want to lie to them. They meant everything to me._

“If you both ended the war, then why are you two here? Aren’t you supposed to celebrate with your friends? Are you running away from something? Or someone?” asked Tommy while shoving his already full mouth with even more food.

“It’s complicated. We just needed some time to gather our thoughts away from everybody back home. There are things that we needed to figure out together. Just like you said, people like us are very limited at the moment and we wanted to plan whatever it is needs to be done, away from the remnants of the war,” answered Rey calmly.

“Rey ended the war. But I started it,” said Ben suddenly.

The whole table stopped eating and looked at them attentively. Rey on the other hand was looking at Ben with panic expression spread all over her face.

_What are you doing?_

_They deserve to know the truth. They love Han Solo as much as I love Qi’ra._

_Ben, that wasn’t you._

_Kylo Ren and I are the same person Rey._

_But you’re not him anymore._

_Please, let me do this. It’s the right thing to do. It’s the least I can do for now._

_But you don’t have to. Ben we did end the war together. What happened at the past stayed at the past. You don’t have to talk about it again._

_I just want to heal Rey. Admitting the horrible things that I did is a step closer to peace._

“Explain,” demand Genevieve as she sat down the utensils and gave her utmost attention to Ben.

He seeks one more gaze of comfort from Rey who gave him her assurance that she’s there by his side if anything goes downhill from there.

 _I know,_ answered Ben.

He then turned towards the siblings who now have their eyes fixed on him. “I don’t know if you heard, but I was the Supreme Leader of the First Order.”


	5. She's Not You

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe i am committed to this. Ben and Rey did this to me and i am so happy. Tbh, i'm still not sure where this story will go, but please bare with me as i get my thoughts and ideas out every week. Thank you so much for reading this fic, giving kudos and comments and bookmarking it! See you guys next week :)

Ben explained everything from his own end and looked at Rey every once in a while to let her described things at hers at the same time. He told them every single details of his life from the day he was sent to train with Luke, his time as a Jedi padawan, the dark voices that narrated despicable things inside his mind and haunted his sleep, his feeling of betrayal, the day Kylo Ren murdered Ben and Han Solo, about Rey and the day his mother sacrificed herself to help him returned home to the light side. Rey did not stray her thoughts and force away from him even for a second. Within the force, she reached for his hand to support him as he seemed on the verge of breakdown every time he addressed and atoned for his sins. Rey chimed in once in a while to tell them about the resistance, Han and Chewie, Leia and their special bond. The siblings did not intrude them at all. They listen to everything attentively. However, their watchful face looked upset, sad and disappointed upon hearing Ben unraveled the layers of his atrocious actions. It must have been late afternoon when both of them had stopped talking, waiting for any kind of reaction from the siblings. They did not say anything but Rey saw Genevieve’s sorrow instilled in her eyes when it ended. Ben was just about to say something when Noah who now looked at them inquisitively began to ask a question

“A dyad in the force?”

“Yes. It allows us to connect our mind,” said Rey.

“Two that are one. We’re inseparable no matter where we are,” Ben said with a slight smile at the corner of his lips while his eyes fixed at Rey’s.

“So like mind reading?” asked Abbey this time.

“It’s more than that. I can feel whatever she’s feeling right now or what she is thinking as well. As if I’m feeling and thinking of that thing mysel

“Huh. Well, that’s a bit of an intrusion of privacy don’t you think?” said Tommy. “I mean I wouldn’t want anyone to see me doing things during my…private ti 

“We can close off the bond when we want privacy. It’s all up to our control when we want to let the other person in and out of our thoughts,” said Rey this time.

“Are you doing it now?” asked Noah again, face with curiosity and wonder. 

“Uhm. That’s private information,” said Ben shifting his position in his seat. Noah let out a chuckled upon hearing his reaction.

“Cool. Sounds something that would come out from a fairytale,” said Abbey.

The table is now less tense than before as the siblings started to feel more relaxed after hearing Ben and Rey’s side of the story. Genevieve, on the other hand was still quiet in her own thoughts. She did not seem as interested as her siblings to know about the force bond thing. Her mind was occupied with the fact that the friend that she knew and loved ever since she was little was capable of murdering his own father. She knew that he wasn’t totally himself at the time and he did it because he was influenced by bad people but that did not stop her from thinking of the worst for Ben. The others were beginning to clear off the table and dishes when Ben kneeled down in front of her.

“I’m so sorry Genevieve. You have every right to hate me. He loved you, all of you and it’s my fault that he died.” Ben struggled to get his voice out as tears began to exit his brown eyes.

“I’m just disappointed Ben. I thought what we had is beyond friendship. We shared everything together. I’m sad that I’m the only one who felt that way.”

“We’re still a family. I’ll do anything to win you back Genevieve.”

“They why didn’t you come to us when things went bad? Why didn’t you try to reach for any of us? This house is always open for you.”

“I was ashamed. I was weak. And I didn’t want to you to see me this way. I didn’t want to hurt you.” Ben couldn’t contain her tears anymore as he broke down crying, letting out every single pain that he withhold over the years.

Genevieve went down to his level and slowly hugged him while he continued wailing in her arms. Rey stayed silent as she watched the scene in front of her unravel. She had seen Ben like this in one of his dreams when he was a boy. He was ten and his parents were dropping him off to Luke. She saw how he begged for his mother to take him home and cried to his father to bring him to more adventures with Chewie. He made several promises to his parents that he will behave even better if they brought him home as he thought that they were sending him away because he was misbehaving. She had to see how their hearts broke because they had to ignore his pleading and crying when they had to leave him for they were scared that Leia’s vision might come true. They broke apart from each other after few minutes of soothing one another from the losses they felt.

“Where’s your ship?” asked Genevieve.

“Somewhere near the house.”

“We need to hide it. You have no idea what the government will do if they see a space ship on earth.”

“The barn is empty. You can put it there for now,” said Noah while wiping the clean plates

“I’ll go retrieve it,” said Rey finally breaking her silence.

Rey went outside of the house and looked around her surroundings. The scenery in front of her looked almost like Ahch-To except there were more greens than blue. It’s beautiful here she thought. She walked towards the steep surface of the hill and turned her head towards the house. She didn’t realised it when they landed because it was night and she was tired but the house is actually really huge and there is even a clear unoccupied field around it. It must have belonged to the siblings because a house this big must belonged to wealthy owners. She saw a figure walking towards her from the house and immediately knew whose it was.

_Wait for me, please._

She stopped her tracks and faced the house to wait for him. His runny nose and watery eyes were no more but his face was still red from crying. He was panting and breathing as he reached her at the top. He nodded his head and they continued their way to the X-Wing. As soon as they reached the ship, Rey climbed on top of it to see whether she had left any of her belongings inside. After ensuring that none was left, she came down from it and lean against the ship. They watched from a far as Noah unlocked the door from his barn and pressed something from inside. The roof opened slowly from the above and he gave them a signal to indicate that they can begin to move the ship now. Ben and Rey stood beside each other as they reach for the strength of the force. Both held their hands out in the open and let the surge of their combined force took over them as they motioned towards the ship. Slowly, the X-Wing floats up in the air and travelled towards the barn. When it was hovering right above it, the ship slowly sunk down safely. Noah took a moment to admire the ship before closing the roof and locking the barn. After giving thumbs up to them, he went back inside the house, leaving Ben and Rey out in the open.

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For being with me while I talked to them about everything"

“I’m glad that things did not escalate badly for you.”

“That’s because I have you with me Rey.”

“Don’t do that. Don’t give me the credit for things you did all on your own.”

“Why not? You deserve it. It was you who bring me back to the light.”

“It was your mother Ben. Not me. I stabbed you."

“And healed me afterwards. You deserve all the credits for all the good things that I did.”

“No I don’t! Ben, I might have forgiven you and maybe the siblings do too. But at one point, you need to forgive yourself."

“I know. But I can’t just do it within few days.”

“Fine. But, giving me all the credits for everything good that you’ve done in your life is not a good start to do so. I’m not all good either.”

“You are to me.”

“You’re wrong. We don’t know each other that well Ben.”

“Yes we do. We share everything in our minds and hearts, remember.”

“Memories and force feelings. Sharing those doesn’t mean that we know each other well. Not as much as you knew…them,” she contemplated before she let out ‘them’. In her heart she knew she almost blurted out her name. She didn’t know why she felt uncomfortable when she saw how Ben and Genevieve comforted each other. It made her wonder how many times they were in such position before. Did Ben manage to find other women during his Jedi padawan time or when he was the Supreme Leader to share such tender moment? She brushed off those thoughts and scolded herself when a slight pang of jealousy hit her. She knew she had no right to feel that way as they barely knew each other. However, it frustrated her that he refused to acknowledge a part of himself that makes him good. The wind was blowing violently and every once in a while, they had to move the swayed of their wild hair from their face.

“Then, let’s take this time to know each other. I mean, it’s why we’re here aren’t we? We need to figure this out on our own,” said Ben moving his hand back and forth from her to himself. Strands of hair kept blocking her beautiful face and at the moment, Ben knew he would do anything to touch it. In fact, he would do anything for Rey to feel content within his presence. He can feel the turmoil inside her right now. A brand new conflict that engulfed within her. It wasn’t as loud as his own dark ones back then but he can sense it nonetheless.

“Let’s get back inside the house. It’s getting darker,” she finally said breaking their silence. She walked past him without answering his questions and moved towards the house.

“I never kissed her!” he suddenly yelled.

She stopped her tracks and turned. “What?”

He came nearer to her and starred right into her eyes. “You said friends don’t kiss each other on the lips. I never kissed her. Or anyone else.”


	6. You're My Home

For a moment, no words were spoken between them. Not even through the bond. All they can hear at the moment is the gush of breeze rejuvenating through the air and whisking off calamity away from the serene surrounding of the green land. Ben hesitated for a moment when he saw Rey completely speechless at his confession. He wasn’t sure whether Rey was ready for that kind of conversation yet. But he knew that if he holds it within himself any longer, his heart would tear itself apart pieces by pieces and his mind would go crazy thinking of the ‘what ifs’ if he didn’t dare it upon himself to try and steer their conversation away from their past and move forward to the future. He needed to let her know even if she wasn’t ready to face it upon herself. He needed her to know that the galaxy or his past might have written a story about him and other women that he encountered or befriends with but he only ever wanted her. He needed her to know that, even if she wasn’t ready for anything with him.

“It’s the truth,” he said again.

“Good to know,” she said simply. She averted her eyes from him and continued to walk back to the house. “I’m going to meditate.”

But he continued half-yelling and half pleading, “I know this is hard. Considering what I’ve done to you and your friends. I didn’t deserve anything good in this world. I didn’t deserve them,” he said while moving his hand towards the house before continuing, “and I surely didn’t deserve you. But I just want to let you know. Rey…”

“Ben please, stop. I don’t want to do this right now,” she said while gesturing her right hand up in front of him.

“I just want you to know. You don’t have to say anything. I just have to say it once. And I just want you to hear it. Please Rey, it’s killing me that I’ve kept this feeling since we met. Let me just say it once.”

Rey’s eyes fall down on the green grass. She shook her head numerous times while battling the tears that were struggling to bust out. “Stop. Ben just stop!” she was yelling now.

“I have never wanted anyone that I’ve met before and I’ve met a lot of them throughout the years. I kept telling myself that I don’t deserve anyone and in order to fulfill what Snoke wanted me to do and to keep all the darkness inside me, I made sure that I didn’t allow myself to feel a slight pleasure or desire. I wanted to ensure that the light in me has dimmed and no one could bring back any trace of sparks that my parents instilled in me,” he ignored her pleading. He didn’t want to push her to do something she didn’t want to do. He just wanted her to listen to him as he tried to bare his soul to her.

“Ben…”

“But you did it. You brought back the light within me that has been buried deep inside my soul. You lit up the sparks that I’ve repressed inside my heart. You occupied my mind and for once in my whole damn lifetime, I wanted something in my life. Something good. I have never been so sure about anything in my life. There was conflict in me Rey and you helped me resolved it. And now, I’ve never felt so whole to have you here by my side,” he stopped for a while. Looking at her with his tiny gaze. Waiting whether she would interject him again. But she didn’t. So he continued.

“Rey, I lov…”

“Don’t say what you don’t mean Ben.”

“You don’t even know what I’m going to say.”

“Yes I do,” she said, eyes on him again.

She knew he meant what he was about to say. She can feel it radiated in her heart. It was hot, passionate and warm like a small fire in the fireplace inside her room in the house. And she was scared. She was alone for the past twenty years of her life. She waited for her loved ones to come back but they didn’t. She was scared that another one might do the same to her. And for the most part, she was scared because she knew she felt the same way towards Ben. She wasn’t ready to start anything with the man who had terrorised the galaxy. She had told Ben that he had to forgive himself because she knew deep inside; she still had tough time forgetting what he had done to others. She was terrified to take a leap of faith with this man because she was truly scared that their relationship would end badly. As much as she still held the final remaining resentment in her heart towards his horrible past, she couldn’t help but to admit that Kylo’s presence always ease out her pain. He cox away her problem and absorbs her anger because he was better at it than she does. Rey had never really fallen in love before and she surely didn’t know how and what people do to their significant other when they’re in love. But somehow she knew that when Kylo killed his master and offered her the galaxy, it meant that he really does love her. She just didn’t know whether she would be able to love this version of him as much as he does. And what if she couldn’t? Would Ben leave her? He has an old friend waiting for him already. All he needed to do was to confess to her. Right now, she didn’t know whether her heart can take any more despair in the future because it took her so long to mend the broken one inside her right now.

He felt her heart and her desire. Her longing and her insecurity. But he can also feel that she’s guarding it right now, shielding him away from the entrance. He walked closer, took her right hand and placed them on his chest, right on top of his heart. She can feel his heartbeat now. He gave her a tiny smile while his right hand move slowly towards her cheek.

“Rey, I would never leave you. I came back to you remember. I will always come back to you. You’re my home.”

The world around them stops as sudden realisation hit her. Her cold heart melts away accepting the small fire he tugged gently. He did come back for her. He ran with her. He did everything she asked him to do. He could have stayed with the force or escape by himself because that would have been easier. She wouldn’t be a baggage that he needed to carry around and considered but instead, he wanted her to decide what she wanted for them because to him, she wasn’t a baggage. She was his everything. She knew he would always put her first. With tears streaming down her face, she cupped his cheeks and pushed his face down as their lips finally touch once more. This time it wasn’t desperate like the kiss on Exegol. It was slow and passionate as both were yearning for each other for a long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Decided to focus on them this chapter because i need it. I didn't plan for them to kiss this early but somehow this story takes them to it so i can't do anything other than to comply (thank god). But don't worry, it's still gonna be a slow burn. As you can see Rey still has few issues within herself and with Ben that she needs to resolve. I feel like she might have a bit of a trust issue after she lived alone longer than she lived with the resistance. 
> 
> As usual, i apologise for any mistakes as English is not my first language. I also appreciate all the kudos and still can't believe that some of you guys bookmarked this. But anyway, i hope you enjoy this chapter and see you next week!


	7. The Talk (Kinda)

The holidays were finally over and the rest of the siblings went back to the city except for Genevieve, who now is the sole owner of the farmhouse, the sundry shop and the laundry bar at the small town. It has been three days since the house was filled with noises of banters and teasing. Three days since the shadows of the siblings lingered around the house, cluttering everything they could find in the living room, kitchen and the hallway. Three days since Ben and Rey had their second kiss out in the field, lost in their own world and compromised with their position so public that they failed to notice the prying eyes that peeped out from the large kitchen windows. When she was young, Genevieve always pretends that she and Ben would live in this house together. She would run the business in town and he would attend to the cattle, paint or do calligraphy just like the way he loved it. Then, she would go home and he will be waiting at their front porch with cigarettes at the corner of his lips where she could also find a content smile there. I mean, that’s what her father did. He waited almost everyday of his life at that front porch and her mother would always come back with stories of people from that town. They drank and smoke together while enjoying the breeze and the flickering of the stars. Genevieve would not want any other than to have that with Ben.

She was not naïve though. She knew that it will never happen after he left for that Jedi training and stopped talking to them when they were thirteen. During the last time she saw Ben through the comlink that Leia gave to them (which now sat still in the attic), she remembered him looking troubled, worried and anxious. His dark and soulful eyes looked sad and weary. She knew something was not right with him but he convinced her that he was okay. After that, they stopped talking altogether. She did not know why and when she asked Han during one of his visit, he simply said that Ben must have been tired or he needed to focus in his lesson. It took her years to get him out of her mind. When she was in high school, she completely accepted that Ben was happy and safe somewhere in the universe and she needed to move on completely. She was glad she did because she could have not achieved this tranquility if she was still thinking about Ben after all these years. But, he did come back years later. Carrying guilt and burden from his horrible past. To make things complicated, the passion and fire that Genevieve had not seen ever since they were chasing fireflies out in the field was also there. For once, her porch vision came back as Ben began to slowly swoop himself inside her heart. At least, until she witnessed the passionate kiss out in the field between him and Rey. That’s when she knew that the passion and fire that she saw in him was not because and for her but for the woman that brought him back to the light.

***

Rey was flipping through a book in her room when she heard a knock on her door and Ben entered later with two glasses of juice in his hands. His wavy dark hair looked shorter and neat, thanks to Tommy’s complimentary service and skill as a hairstylist few days ago. He placed one of the glasses on a corner table beside where Rey is seating at the moment.

“I’ve been looking for you everywhere. What are you reading?”

“Uhm, a story about a prisoner who is tormented by a pendulum swinging on top of his body.”

Ben froze for a while and looked at her to search for some kind of horrified expression. When he found none, he can feel the tense on his shoulder.

“That’s a… horrible story.”

“Yes. But he got away. It’s really fascinating to see how he faces the psychological trauma when he is in there.”

Ben did not say a word as a sense remorse that had stayed in the pit for the day began to grow an awakening inside his body. He remembered entrapping Rey, her friend, the pilot and numerous other victims for information to destroy the resistance. The resistance, which had been led by his mother who died because of him.

“Ben. I read the book because I found it in the drawer. Not because I was trying to prove a point.”

“I know,” he nodded slowly with a small smile tugging on his lips. He offered her the juice that he placed on the table. They were both sitting on her bed right now, with her backs on the wall facing him at the opposite. He took in her appearance while she took a sip of the juice. She no longer looked like the scavenger for Jakku. Her hair seemed shorter enough for her to tie it the way she did when they were fighting against Snoke in the throne room. Both of them no longer wear their usual clothes, opting for something that is earth-friendly.

“Where’s Genevieve?” she asked after realising that Ben was staring at her.

“Out. Probably for the laundry business. I heard her talking to someone this morning about detergent switch or something.”

“Maybe we should find a job too,” she said suddenly ignoring his answer.

“As what…?”

“I don’t know. Anything to help her. We can’t just stay and feed off her food Ben.”

“I know. But what can we do in this place? We don’t have the proper identification or qualification. Nothing we have could offer anything to these people.”

“Then let’s start learning the skills and get the proper identification and qualification. We have to start somewhere. I can’t just stay here and not do anything,” she is standing up now and facing him who is still sitting at the corner of the bed.

“Rey, it’s not that easy to get official identification. They have strict laws here.”

“And Jakku doesn’t? How about the First Order? Don’t you have laws too? Because honestly, all we ever do is break the law. Why not do it again for a better cause?”

“What is the cause?”

She did not answer. But she did stop wandering around back and forth as she faced the wall.

“Rey, do you want to live here…forever?”

“No. Ben I never wanted to trouble anyone when I decided to do this.”

“I meant earth. Do you want to live on earth forever?”

“Don’t you?”

“It’s not your home Rey. Besides, you can’t leave your friends hanging for a long time. You need to communicate to them too someday.”

“So, it’s not my home, but it could be yours? Let me guess, with Genevieve? It’s that what you want?” she grew frustrated with him. She can’t believe that after what he said and after the kiss, he wanted to get rid of her that fast.

“I didn’t say that. Rey you have a whole lot of people who loves you back home. I wouldn’t want you to wake up one day and resent me for making you feel like you need to stay here just to keep me safe. I’ll go back with you and I’ll face whatever trials they will put on me. I deserved it,” he said calmly keeping their hands entwined together.

“That’s the point of settling here Ben. I don’t want you to face the trials. That’s why I want to run away.”

“But I deserve it Rey.”

“So, you want to leave me then? You face the trials, then what? What do you think will happen to you after that?” she is pacing again to distract herself from the tears that was about to burst from his eyes. He was about to answer when the sound of the front door slammed shut and Genevieve’s voice calling them downstairs for lunch.

“This isn’t over,” said Ben.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes. I love Edgar Allan Poe. Yes The Pit and Pendulum is my favourite horror fiction. From now on, there will be more angst but with a hint of fluffs as well (I'm not that cruel guys). Also, i needed the fluffs after writing the angst. There will be smut in future chapters but i'm not sure which one just yet. Still trying to map how this story goes tbh. But, as always i hope you guys enjoy this chapter and see you next week :)


	8. The Girl Talk

They didn’t have the time to revisit the talk again for few days. Rey had been expressing her interest to follow Genevieve to town and see the surrounding. Their bond was exceptionally quiet too as she shut it down every time Ben tried to talk to her. She tend to avoid being alone with him in the house as well, always looking for a way to assist Genevieve or delving herself deep into a book or two a day in her own room with the door locked. Rey was fascinated by the locals of this place during her first visit to town. It was early in the morning when she went downstairs to find Genevieve out in the porch smoking. Rey expressed her interest to see the town and it did not take her long to agree. When she went back inside the house, the light from the sun was peering inside, passing through the drapes. That’s when she noticed his body curled under a grey blanket on a sofa. She tip-toed towards his body and almost held out her hand to touch his face when he stirred in his sleeping position. He looked so peaceful and composed. So she didn’t want to interrupt him from that. She went back upstairs to get herself ready for a new adventure. 

She learned that this small town is called Gweedore and it is located in a country called Ireland. She noticed that the locals here are human and most of them either lived in their own land, located a bit far from the town like Genevieve or just upstairs of their retail store. The town was not a place that Rey had ever imagined before. It is neat, quaint and welcoming unlike the rough, sandy Jakku that she had ever known. Retail owners had their own cute little shop that connects them with another shop next door in a large, ancient building that she felt mesmerised about. She cannot stop looking at how each retail owners incorporated different colours to compensate with their business products. It made her felt giddy to know the colours of Genevieve’s sundry shop and laundry bar. It was always dusty, rusty and brown in Jakku. Unkar Plutt and other owners couldn’t be bothered to paint their business outpost. In their defense, Jakku is a sandy planet so different shades would not make any difference of appearance to it. They reached the yellow laundry bar first. The sign reads _James Laundry_ at the top of the shop. When they entered, the shop was not filled with customers but it wasn’t exactly empty either. All of them greeted Genevieve and said hello to Rey in which she returned it all with a hello as well. They walked back towards the end of the shop where an office was waiting for its owner. Genevieve invited Rey inside and offered her the seat in front of her desk while scuffling through some files. Then, there was a knock at the door and a woman came in.

“Here’s your tea G,” said the woman while placing a cup on the table.

The woman was popping her chewing gum as she gazed at Rey from top to bottom. Rey stood there awkwardly while looking around the office, avoiding the woman’s judgmental eyes. She is not comfortable in there with this third person raking her eyes out to her as if she had done something wrong. She even looked down towards herself. _Was it something I wear?_ _Is there something on my face?_ She asked herself. But she knew there’s nothing wrong with what she’s wearing because she has been wearing the same assembled type of clothing for the past week; a grey sweater, a dark loose pants and a fitting stout boot, courtesy from Abbey as Rey could never fitted into anything that the tall, slim Genevieve could have offered. It’s only when she talked again that Rey averted her attention towards that woman.

“Is it true then? That your guy is back?” she asked Genevieve casually ignoring Rey at the opposite site of the table.

“Yes he’s back and no, he’s not my guy,” answered Genevieve while she looked at Rey sheepishly. “By the way, this is Rey. She is Ben’s…”

“Friend,” said Rey quickly.

“Right. Uhm, Rey this is my best friend and assistant, Sadie,” her eyes narrowed at Rey while introducing the woman.

“Hello,” said Sadie holding out her hand towards Rey.

She took it nonchalantly giving her firmest grip to the handshake. When Sadie pulled out, Rey noticed that she was shaking her hand a bit, the effect towards accepting such a firm handshake from a woman that she had curiously judged before.

“Do you want anything to drink or eat Rey? Sadie makes a nice cup of tea,” asked Genevieve, eyes are focused on her now.

“I’m fine with tea,” she answered.

“Let me just pour one in another cup then,” said Sadie, exiting the office. She then came back with another cup, placed it in front of Rey and exited the office once more with the door shut.

Genevieve took a sip of the tea and gathered the files in a box at the end table near the window. She sat still for a while looking at the same old town square that had been her view for the past twenty years.

“So, what do you want to talk about?”….

“The people here are nice….”

They said in unison.

“What?” said both of them again together.

“You first,” said Rey.

“What’s so important that you need to follow me out to town to ask me?”

“What makes you think that I want to ask you for anything? Maybe I just want to see the town. I’ve never experienced quite like it before.”

“There’s no small town in space?”

“I live in a desert planet. The outpost I lived caters to scavenging career. That’s what I’d always been.”

“Must have been hard for you and your family.”

“It would have. If I have a family. I lived alone. Ever since I was a child.”

Silent engulfed within the office space. Genevieve looked at Rey intently as if she was trying to read her.

“I’m sorry to hear that,” she finally said and took another sip at her tea. “But, at least you found friends with the resistance. Knowing Leia, I’m sure that they’re great people.”

She didn’t answer. Partly because she felt guilty that she left her friends right after the war to follow the path of her desire. But only mostly because she felt like she didn’t truly belong there. It still didn’t felt like home when she was with them. They were good people but something in her was not complete. She questioned herself most of the time; _why isn’t she being grateful for the gift of friendship and newfound family that she had longed for since she was little_ , _why can’t she just accept that they were enough for her._ But she couldn’t just deny the feeling of contentment whenever he occupied her mind. Not until she met him the first time as Kylo Ren and especially not now when he completely embraced Ben Solo.

“Do you miss them?” asked Genevieve again breaking her silent thoughts.

“Yes. But I didn’t regret the decision I made to go here with Ben.”

“Because you love him. Because you two are Jedi soul mates or whatever you two called it; diad or something.”

“A dyad. I…don’t know what we are. We haven’t really talked or anything.”

“Are you sure? Because that was an intense conversation you two had a few days ago.”

“Ben told you about that?”

“He didn’t have to for me to know,” she said confidently then continued, “but yes, he did.”

Rey scoffed at that while shaking her heads. She’s walking back and forth aimlessly from her seat. “Great. I thought that conversation was private,” she said loudly to herself. “What else did he tell you?” she grew frustrated knowing that what they share between them is no longer their thing but for another to approach as well.

“Not much. Just stuff he did when he was training with his uncle…and during his time with the dark side. God, it feels so weird to say it out loud. Dark.side. ” said Genevieve, emphasising the final words slowly. “Sounds pretty comical to say it here to be honest.”

“You two are very close aren’t you?”

“We’ve known each other since we can babble nonsense, Rey. Sure, we don’t spend time everyday together but we do talk everyday until the day it stopped. We understand each other enough to know that there’s something wrong with one of us. We deeply care about each other.”

“Then where were you when he was in trouble? You said you understand him, then why didn’t you try to help him before it’s too late?”

“I was a child as much as he was. I didn’t know any better. I believed what the adults told me to believe and I let him go. I regretted that decision knowing that things might have been slightly better in the future if I questioned them instead of agreeing.”

None said anything for a while. Rey didn’t know what it is but hearing how Ben and Genevieve had a connection longer that she did with him was making her felt uneasy. For the longest time, her life in Jakku had been the same mediocre one. She heard stories of the resistance and the empire from other older scavengers and travellers when she was little. She sometimes imagined herself to be apart of that stories because she craved for some sort of excitement that came with being apart of the adventure. When she finally did and learned later that not only she belonged in that story, she was the core aspect of it. Her first connection with Kylo Ren was exhilarating but it awakens her sense of thought and desire. It electrified her knowing that the bond was something rare, powerful and exclusive for the knowledge of them both. But now, those feelings had started to grow weary seeing her other half of the bond had once, shared similar outlooks of such intensity.

She suddenly thought of her friends. Wondering what are they up to at the moment. She thought of the things that might have been if she joined them instead of running away. It would have been easier. She would have spent her day toying around the falcon with Chewie while hearing Poe ranting out a thing or two about his new responsibility as a General. She and Rose would finally had moments to talk about other stuff than war. Heck, even Finn and her would have talked about so many things other than the constant need to plan or attack a ship. It would have been the simplest approach after the war that she should have taken instead of the thoughtless decision she made. But, in spite missing them right now she just realised that her friends would have been doing all of those even without her there. She didn’t know what she was when the war ended. She surely didn’t see herself as a Jedi but she surely wasn’t just Rey anymore. She meditated so many times ever since they landed here but the force seemed to not draw out any plan for her. As of now, the only thing that anchored her to be more like herself is Ben. The man she decided to run with. Who knows what went in and out of her head. Rey remembered when he offered the galaxy to her. He killed his master for her. He gave up his power for her and later, gave up part of his soul just to save her from the death that was inevitable. She also remembered his confession out in the hill few days ago and the talk they had about settling down in this place. The fact that she herself is ready to let go of her past life to start a new one with him. That she couldn’t bear losing him anymore now that he completely confessed to be hers. They both sacrificed so much for each other it would have been crazy if they ended up not loving each other at the end.

As if Genevieve was reading her mind when she said, “Whatever’s my feeling towards Ben is not important now. I respect you Rey and I respect whatever decision you and Ben made for your future. I didn’t say anything when he talked to me about you. I think he just wanted to confide with me as his friend. But, what’s stopping you from telling him how you really feel? Why play this tug of war?”

“I’m afraid.”

“Of what?”

“Feeling like I betrayed the people who depended on me for the future of the galaxy. The resistance, my friends, everybody. That’s why I asked him to run away from them in the first place. Because I’m scared that my feelings for him could hurt everybody. They wanted him dead and he himself thinks that he deserved to be. But, I don’t want that. I don’t want to divide myself; to be able to love him, every part of him, even the bad ones and at the same time professing my loyalty to the galaxy. I don’t want to let down anyone or make them think that I am selfish for wanting something that’s forbidden. I’m scared that if I tell him the truth then something bad will happen between us and he would leave me and I’m tired of waiting for people who will never come back.”

“There is nothing selfish in wanting a better future for you and your loved ones. I know because that’s what I should have done years ago before it’s all too late. And what makes you think that he would ever leave you?”

Rey looked at her straight on the eyes. “If we go back, he would need to face trial and if we stay, well…you know why.”

“It doesn’t matter. He loves you, I think he has been for a long time,” said Genevieve. “And you have nothing to worry about. We’re all adults here. I’m not going to throw a conniption fit for it nor will I ever do anything to jeopardise his happiness. And I can see his smile and happiness when you’re around Rey. It’s like he only reserved it for you. I haven’t seen him like this since we were kids. You both can stay here as long as you need. I’m always alone and away. Nothing’s really is going to disturb you.”

“I didn’t mean to hurt anyone Genevieve. I’m so sorry.”

“There’s nothing for you to be sorry about. I am glad that you brought him back. He wouldn’t have been here if it wasn’t for you.”

Rey smiled sheepishly at her. She didn’t realise that she got teary from their talking so she grabbed the cup that was placed in front of her and took a sip of the warm tea to calm herself down.

“Damn. That is a good tea,” she said loudly.

“I know right. I don’t trust anyone with tea other than Sadie. Not even Noah, the self-proclaimed best chef in Ireland,” said Genevieve in between her chuckled. “You ready for the rest of the tour?”

She suddenly felt a soft tug at the bond. Ben must have finally woken up and realised that he was alone. For the first time in days, she left the bond open and let him join them for that morning journey.

_Where are you? Are you okay?_

_I’m fine. Exploring the town with Genevieve right now. Do you need anything?_

_No. I was searching for you everywhere. I got worried when I couldn’t find you. It’s everything okay?_

_Yes._

_Okay. Do you want me out?_

_No. Ben, I’m ready to talk again._

_Then, I’ll be waiting for you here._

“Yes,” said Rey to Genevieve with hope glistening at the corner of her eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For the record, i am not Irish nor have i ever been there. My knowledge on the town is merely based on Google so i am so sorry if i got the facts wrong or if i offended anybody. Phew the angst in writing Rey's inner monologue is taking a toll on me (lmao i am so tired now) but i am happy with how this chapter ends. I love writing Genevieve as well. She has so much compassion for her guests even though she seems to have a feeling with one of them. Apologise for any grammar or spelling mistakes because sometimes i tend to pass them when i proofread over and over again. Anyway, i hope you'll enjoy this chapter and see you next week! :)


	9. I Thought You Were Different

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Update comes early because i have so much to do tomorrow. Also, this is the start of the promised angst (I'm sorry!). But don't worry, happy stuff do comes eventually. After all, what's the fun of a rainbow without the rain amirite?

“How do you like the town?” he asked after breakfast, eyes focusing on the dishes in the sink.

It was just the two of them at the moment as Genevieve had long gone, merely eating anything she herself prepared for all of them when she got the distressed call from her sundry shop. Rey was clearing the table with her hands full of leftover food that she was trying to figure out where to store.

“It was nice. The people here are…,” she stopped for a while thinking what she should say before continued, “nice. It’s definitely nothing like Jakku. It’s beautiful.”

“I haven’t been there for a long time. I might need to next time.”

“Yeah. Maybe you should. She introduced me to a woman named Sadie.”

“Oh yeah?” his eyes popped up to her while his hands began to accept the new dishes that she handed out. “I know her. She’s Genevieve’s friend. She came here sometimes when we were kids.”

“She works for her.”

“Huh. Here I thought she might get out from here. That’s all she’s been saying since we were little,” he said now wiping the clean wet dishes. At a moment, Rey noticed a slight tug of smile formed from his mouth. She suddenly saw a beautiful field in her mind with kids playing and jumping around it. Three little girls and boys were laughing and teasing each other as the blue clouds and the sun heightened the beauty of the green grass.

_“One day, I will go to Hollywood and be a movie star. And all of you will bow to me whenever you saw me in movie posters.”_

_“You’re going to be a movie star, not a Queen. No one’s bowing to you.”_

_“Oh shut up Ben. I could be both. Maybe where you come from, people have to pick who they want to be.”_

_“At least, Ben is already a Prince. You’re just daydreaming.”_

_“I’ll prove it to you. I’ll be a movie star so famous that even Ben here would come back from up there just to see me.”_

Rey smiled at that vision. It fluttered her heart everytime he chose to share a part of his childhood with her. She didn’t have that kind of experience so she wouldn’t know what’s it like to have play time with friends or to share a dream with. She was too busy fighting with other children and adults for ship parts just so she could get something to eat.

He wanted her to feel like she didn’t miss anything. He knew her childhood was horrible and she might not be able to experience something like this but he hoped that she would feel the slightest amusement of being a child when he showed her that memory.

_I did feel it. Thank you._

_You didn’t have to thank me. Just asked me whatever you want to see and I’ll show you._

For a brief moment, they didn’t talk as Ben finished up with his chores in the kitchen and she sat silently on the patio basking in the morning sun touching her tingling skin. She appeased herself and allowed the fresh air entered her body as she heard the force engulfed her in a sweet humming vibration that soothed her entire being.

***

Ben just got back from the farmhouse to attend the horses when he found her in his room. She was already sitting on his bed, eyes transfixed at her hands that are holding his uncle’s lightsaber at the moment. 

“Rey?” he called her cautiously.

“I don’t know if I have the guts to do what I want to do if we go back.”

“Then, I’ll help you. I’ll always help you if you want me to.”

“How are you going to help me from a cell or dead?”

He was quiet at this remark. But he knew that Rey has a lot of people who loves her. They would do anything to help her especially when she defeated the Sith that was trying to destroy the galaxy. Her own grandfather. Surely the resistance would do anything she asked them to do. She shouldn’t be worry about this matter because she would never be alone anymore no matter what happened to him.

“Then you have your friends. The resistance will help you because they trust you and your instincts. Rey, you defeated Palpatine. You brought back the light that I helped snuffed out from the galaxy.”

“They won’t understand. The force, the dark, the light, the conflict, they won’t understand that Ben. The Jedi order has long gone from this world. Luke was the last one that we counted on to revive the order. And even before that, he was a myth. Now, he’s just gone.”

“Luke was not the last Jedi. He told me that when we fought in Crait and I believe him. And you don’t have to be. I’m sure there are lots of other force sensitive people and kids who are as confused as you were when they found out they have this raw power. Don’t you think they deserve to be educated for it?” he sat down beside her and held out his hand to hers. She didn’t take it, instead she stared at it the way she did when he asked her to join him.

“They do. But not with me. Ben, I think you should do it.”

“What? You’re joking right?”

“Think about it. You’re the one who has the proper training in an academy. You saw how it is managed and you certainly knew how a proper Jedi master teaches students. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy, but you certainly have the experience of being in an actual educating environment so you have the idea of it.”

“Uhm so do you? You trained with Luke and my mother. You have as much proper training as I did.”

“Not the way a real academy should have. Ben, listen to me…”

“No, Rey! What parents or anyone would want to be trained by Kylo Ren, the Supreme Leader of the First Order who, if I’m not mistaken is known by setting up the academy that he was trained on fire? Besides, this is a ridiculous idea. The resistance will want me on trial for the crimes I’ve done. They won’t let me go near a lightsaber anymore.”

“That’s not true. The resistance are considerate people. If I talked to them about how you helped me defeated Palpatine, in which you did, I’m sure they won’t second guessed my idea. You said it yourself they will help me if I asked them to. Then, I’ll ask them to help me this way,” she stood up from the bed and kneeled in front of him. Her hands were holding his tightly.

“You also said moments ago that they won’t understand you. What makes you think they’ll help you this way? Rey, they have every right to put me in a cell or convict me. I brought destruction in this galaxy. I was trying to kill you, my mother and your friends. I killed my father and many others. Did you forget about that?” he said, sounded exasperated.

“That was Kylo Ren. Not you…” she said as he stood up.

“Don’t do that! Don’t differentiate me from who I was. I am Kylo Ren. We’re both the same person. It’s time that I am responsible for all the things I did. The resistance and the whole galaxy have every right to punish me.”

She stood up as well and brought herself face to face with him. “You’re wrong! You don’t know them! I do! They are forgiving and sympathetic. I know both concepts are still foreign to you, but goddamnit Ben! You have to learn to forgive yourself. I can’t keep doing it for you.”

“I will when I received the punishment I deserve. Rey, it’s time for us to go back. There’s nothing for you here.”

“So, that’s it? Your mother sacrificed her life for you and you’re just going to give it up?”

“My mother sacrificed her life for the good of the people. I was the one who caused the wrath and anguish in the galaxy. Bringing me back means ending the years of darkness. But it also means that I had to face whatever charges I am supposed to face. Not hiding away in some remote planet, reminiscing old times with my friends and sharing moments with the woman I love. I don’t deserve that.”

“You wanted to be punished so badly so you would feel like the bad things you’ve done could go away easily. Well, guess what Ben? It won’t. In fact, that is the most cowardice thing that I’ve ever heard you said. Punishing you for the crimes that you did is the easiest thing that anyone could ever do because you want it. Living your life as a person again like this is hard and it’s what you deserve because you have to face the difficulties of it. I know that you feel guilty. I can feel it every day when I wake up but that’s the best way to heal from it Ben. Not by punishing yourself to forget about the pain and the guilt. But by living with it and remind yourself that that guilt is what makes you worthy to be saved and spared and loved.”

“You’re right. Maybe I am a coward. I wanted this remorse to go away. I didn’t want to feel it everyday when I wake up. I certainly didn’t want to feel it when I hold you. If by serving my time in a cell or joining the force could heal me from this wretched feeling, then I want it!” his voice was harsh and deep. He was weeping too and ragged of breath came out from each spoken hurtful words that he said.

Rey sobbed inaudibly and walked towards his door. Her hand was just about to twist the handle before she turned to him. “Then you’re just like them. You want to leave me too. Everybody wants to leave me. I thought you’re different.”

With that, she exited his room and went to hers. She falls down on her knees against the door and sobbed uncontrollably over the feeling of abandonment she once again felt from the person that she loves.


	10. It Is You

They haven’t spoken to each other for a week now. Genevieve noticed the silence that consumed them all everytime one of them entered a room that they were all in. Having a meal together felt like eating alone for these few days because her guests were not speaking to each other. When one of them talked to her and the other will come in, the conversation will end abruptly. It reminded Genevieve of the time when Sadie wanted to give a cold shoulder to one of their classmates at school. Everytime the poor girl tried to join in the conversation, Sadie will brusquely ended the story she was telling, pretending that she didn’t exist. It left the girl feeling awkward and embarrassed at the sudden humiliation she felt of being ignored.

But with her houseguests, she didn’t trace that humiliation in both of them because it seemed that they didn’t want to talk to each other. She knew something must have happened. She was hoping that Ben would talk to her about it and seeing that he didn’t have that intention at all given how many times they were left alone, she thought Rey would at the end. She didn’t though. She respected their wishes. She knew that when they’re both ready, any one of them will let her know eventually. For now, all she can do is to watch as both of them crumbled themselves towards isolation from each other that they both thought they need. They were wrong of course because Genevieve can see the longing in their eyes and how both of their faces lights up everytime the other entered the room eventhough it was met with silence.

***

“Rey?” said a voice from the figure at the communicator on the X-Wing.

“Hello Finn,” she answered. She put a smile when she saw her friend’s face. It has been a month now that they haven’t seen each other. It was 6 am and she’s currently sitting inside her former master’s old ship. After a long, frustrated week she needed to hear his voice.

“You have no idea how I’ve wanted to hear that voice. How are you?” asked Finn. He looked at her like how he always did. A trace of concern was painted on his face.

“I’m fine,” she said continuing the façade. “I’m healing rather quickly. With meditation and all. It’s been helping me. How’s everybody? How are you?”

“We’ve all been busy. Apparently, restoring back the peace is not easy. Poe is…well, Poe about it especially now that people are counting on him as the General. Rose and Chewie have been busy with repairing broken ships. I’ve been helping former stormtroopers who survived and wanted to surrender to us. It’s hard to convince them that the circumstances they faced weren’t entirely their fault. They were controlled by despicable leaders. I’m really glad they’re gone. You have no idea how happy the entire galaxy is, knowing that you took down the Supreme Leader of the First Order. What Ren’s done is far worse than what we’ve known. Which is why it’s kind of a bummer that you’re not here Rey. We still need you.”

The mentioned of his past name strikes a tear in her heart. It distraught her that they didn’t know he was the reason that she was still alive right now. And it hurt her even more that if he was here listening to this conversation, he would have agreed with what Finn what saying. She put the smiling face back up and watched her friend’s worried face.

“I’m glad it all worked out. Who am I kidding? I know that it’ll work out. It’s Poe we’re talking about here. Failure doesn’t exist in his vocabulary and even if it does, then all of you should demote him again,” said Rey. For a moment the smile on her face felt real as she saw the giggle that came out of Finn’s face.

“I’ve missed all of you too. But I need a bit more time Finn. I don’t think it will be long now. But I REALLY need more time. I hope you can understand that. I know this seems selfish but please, please be patient,” she said as the smile began to slowly disappear.

“To be honest, it’s hard for me to understand. But, again I didn’t know what you went through down there at Exogol. So, it’s not fair for me or anyone to expect you to be as okay as us. It’s not selfish for you to be alone for awhile Rey. If that’s what you want then, I respect that,” said Finn.

She knew he would. Despite of it all, she knew Finn would be the one who would let her decide what she wanted for herself. She knew Finn might have given excuses to everyone else for her absence because even if he didn’t understand, he would at least try to.

“Rey, where are you though?”

“I can’t tell you. But I’m safe. Don’t worry.”

“I will always be worry about you. But if you’re safe, then that’s all I need to know. I just don’t want you to be alone.”

“I’m not alone. I have some company from the locals.”

“I’m sure you do when you’re outside…”

“I’m not alone Finn. And I’m okay. I swear,” she said again reassuring him.

He took a deep breath before reciprocating his smile.

“Alright then. Just so you know, I meant what I said before. Your home will always be waiting for you when you’re ready to come back. When you’re ready, I will be here for you Rey.”

“Thank you. Please send my love to everybody.”

“I will. May the force be with you.”

“You too,” said Rey before switching off the communicator. She took a deep sated breath that she didn’t realise she was holding. She initially wanted to tell Finn that she was never alone for the past weeks. She wanted to come clean with him about Ben because she couldn’t take this silent treatment anymore. That changed when she realised that he was as hurt as everyone else before. The wrath that Kylo Ren had caused might not be easily forgiven after all.

 _Maybe Ben was right. Maybe they weren’t as forgiven. Maybe they wouldn’t understand. Maybe they wouldn’t help her. But, Finn might. He’s her friend. He might help her. People trust Finn. They would listen to him if they didn’t listen to her. But he just said that he’s glad Ren’s dead. Ren. Not Ben. But, they’re technically the same people._ Thousands of thoughts went inside her head as she began to settle inside the cockpit.

She missed talking to Ben. She missed how easy it was for her to bare everything to him because he would understand and he wouldn’t judge. She missed how she didn’t have to explain her action to him because he just simply knows. She wanted her everyday to be like that. That’s what this is supposed to be wasn’t it? That they tried to discover whatever they have without having the need to explain themselves to anyone. Without anyone’s prying eyes. But she didn’t know why she still feels suffocated. His presence never suffocates her. His guilt does. His constant need to self-blame and hate were so strong that her offers of comfort and light seemed inadequate for him to keep going. It’s as if she’s not enough for him to fight for his happiness and to keep living.

Amidst of her breaking down alone in the cockpit, she didn’t realise the bond had been opened for quite some time. On the other side of it, Ben was dressing himself up as quickly as possible while weeping uncontrollably upon feeling that distressed emotion from Rey. He never wanted her to feel that way. He wanted to tell her that she’s enough in every way possible. He wanted to hold her and soothe her from this discomfort that he had caused. He wanted her to know he missed her so much during their silent treatment even when they see each other everyday. He wanted to prove to her that she has occupied his mind ever since he felt some sort of presence within him ever since he was a boy. He wanted her to know that fate can throw whatever it wanted in front of them but it wouldn’t stopped him from loving her. He hoped she got these messages before he could even reach her.

As soon as he reached the shed that had been the home for his uncle’s ship, she heard her voice once more. She was talking to someone from the communicator. He didn’t know she was communicating with them and he didn’t want to pry but she sounded distraught by it so he crept slowly behind the stacks of hay and listened to the conversation.

_I know you’re here._

_Rey, what’s going on? Is everything okay?_

“…he said he received an information from the locals there. They said that they found the Supreme Leader of the First Order living in some sort of a farmhouse on earth,” said the voice.

“And Poe believes it?”

“The informer presented a concrete proof.”

“Finn, what’s he going to do?” asked Rey. Her voice was shaky with fear and Ben felt it.

“I wanted to tell you everything. But you have to be honest with me Rey,” his voice sounded serious and the smiley Finn that she just talked to before had disappeared.

“Just now, you said you needed time to figure out some stuff. Are you with him right now?” he asked blatantly.

Silence beeping through them. He sensed her conflict and fear at the same time. He could even heard and felt the fast drumming of her heartbeats as if that said heart is inside his own chest. So, he did what he knew best at the moment. He let her choose whatever she wanted and assured her of his lingering support and love.

_Rey, I’m here sweetheart. I will always be with you._

_Sweetheart_. That sounded so familiar to her. She heard someone said it before over and over again in her mind when she was a little girl. She never knew who it was but she felt the warmth and peace when that voice was around. For the longest time in her life, she couldn’t place where that voice was coming from. And when she first heard his voice, that one disappeared. She longed to hear it again every night when she felt alone. But she knew know why it was gone because there he is in front of her. The man behind the voice. And the warmth and comfort that came with the voice. _It is you._

“Yes Finn. I am with him. If you want to take him, then you have to take me too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wow look at me writing an outer conflict. I got sad over lots of things from the novelisation, bts and the comic. So, of course i had to put it in here. Five chapters left and this story will be over! Anyway, i hope you guys stay safe amidst this crazy time. Stay home and take care of yourselves. Thank you for reading and see you next week!
> 
> If you want, you can follow me on my stan twitter https://twitter.com/ficsNarration


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